When there was so much to hate
and too many reasons to be resentful for, I chose to be more compassionate and
rooted in love.
Wow; it’s been 3 months
already, like it was only a nightmare that I finally was able to wake up from.
The first few days were the hardest, that even breathing required so much
effort to fulfill. There wasn’t a week that I missed going to the pea of my
favorite church so I could just let my tears flow. I felt so vulnerable at that
moment, that I conformed to the seemingly impossible habits for me just to
divert my thoughts to something else, but it just got worse each time. Every
single day was a constant battle, and often during those times, I did not know
what’s there to fight for. There were nights when I had to take in some
medications to drive me to sleep, just to shut my mind from hearing the crazy
voices inside – voices that wonder, complain, and yell. The resounding scream
was just so hard to ignore.
I loathed seeing the weakness in myself that
was beyond control, and expecting on days after another that there’s still a
reason to try, but in the end, I learned to accept and embrace that weakness as a sign of being human. I learned to forgive myself before anyone else. That way,
I gained the courage to endure rather than run away from the pain. I realized
that I have been blessed with the pain that I’ve held on to for too long.
Indeed, pain builds character.The brokenness taught me how to hold myself
together when nothing else seemed to matter anymore. The silence I had inside
was more uncomfortable than I imagined it to be, but through the days, this
silence has become my sanctuary at the same time. It’s in this silence which I
was able to hear the voice of God, and this allowed me to see how challenges
only point out to the beauty of God’s love for me.
All I ever asked from God since
then was to make me strong so I can let go. But I realized that letting go is
not possible. The past is what makes me who I am right now and letting go of
the past would mean abandoning an essential part of my individuality at present.
The best that I can do is to only accept what was, celebrate what is, and
prepare for what will be. Indeed, there are no regrets, but only lessons
learned. And for me, I had to learn these the hard way. Yet, I remain to be grateful for what life
has to offer; because at times like these, I get to show what I am really
capable to do and what I am made of. With everything that transpired lately, I
thank God for letting me know myself better. And if there is one thing that I
learned best, it is to never doubt on the greater scheme of things that God
prepared for me.
My mind still has spaces of
questions. My heart still has memories of pain. My soul still has moments of
emptiness. But all of those are significantly far from what they used to be and
far between, and I am more certain that time heals, as it did. I pray that the
next months will be rewarding, that my heart will finally find its place – the
place that God reserved for me.
One day soon, I will look back to
these days, the person I was, and celebrate the growth that only challenged me
to become better. I am excited to see who I will become, ‘cause seeing how this
experienced changed me now, I am convinced that the best days are yet to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment